I guess I’d better put this here before the announcement. Until somewhat recently, I struggled with thoughts of suicide. I never told anyone. Looking back, I can blame a lot of things and one person (if he can be called that), but it was my recent success that caused real problems. I had made a life out of dying. I ate more than I should have. Drank more than I should have, started abusing substances I shouldn’t have, got involved with people I shouldn’t have, did whatever I could to hurt myself without actually outright hurting myself. Because I fucking hated myself. Because that’s just how it was for me. And the success of the things I made opposed that. Tipped the scales, I guess. So the self-harm increased to match it. And I succeeded at keeping myself miserable. Until one day things got too good. I got on a plane (not this one), absolutely convinced it was going down. That’s another story. But it didn’t. And I had to accept that my life was going to be good whether I could accept it or not. Worse, I had to accept that it had always been mostly good. Well, starting around the age of 19. I stayed sad because I wanted to. Because it was what I knew. But I have now lived that 19-year-old’s life twice. Once through things he could not control, and once through things he could. And I guess I just got tired of hating myself. I got a lot of support online. Mostly because I begged for it through more attention whoring than should be legal, but I can forgive myself for that. For all of it, really. Because the universe and I have come to a sort of agreement. Now: why put this here, or anywhere? Well, somewhere at my core is a man who wants to help people. It’s why I taught. Why I helped people with disabilities. Why I was in the ministry until I lost my faith. Why I love being a father. And maybe someone else will read this, and see that even when you don’t want the darkness to end, it still sometimes does. Just on its own. I can’t explain it, and I don’t care to try. These days I’m happy to just accept it. But what I wish someone had told me some time ago is this: if you make it long enough, one day you’ll actually WANT to be happy. So make it long enough.
This speaks to me in an important way. Thank you for writing it.
Hope you doing well and you realized you need to quit fuckin with Sedale and come home to your Doctor. I will take care of you baby girl.
I’m in Nevada with Hype lookin at spots for this new video we are shooting for that single I told you pac is going to be on once he is out called California Love. We met a bunch of crazy, naked motherfuckers in the desert today. They were putting up some type of giant wood man. I guess they have a big party and were for a bunch of days. I asked them how much they pay, they said “nothing”, I was like, no money? Someone should get behind this shit and make some loot of these fools cause they said there will be 5000 people. I think I will have my office look into it, just to see if there is easy money to be had here. I’m bout to pass out girl, wish I was up in that ass.
See you back in LA
So we did a few episodes in the beginning where Finn was really panicked about things; he had all these problems? You’d go, “Oh, I don’t know what to do!”—and I hated that. It made me feel terrible. So, I made sure, I tried to wipe all of that out so that Finn could be more like Jean-Luc. So you’d feel… comfortable and enjoy watching him take care of a situation. And relax, and relate to him.
The Awl goes deep, as they say, on Adventure Time.
My favorite breakfast spot has a new location. They took their vibe, their egg dishes and French presses and moved a couple of blocks away.
The spot they replaced, their fancy restaurant, always had a slightly fussy vibe. Like a guy whose tie was a little too tight, it had the spirit of trying to be fancy but a felt little uncomfortable.
The location is a little more out of the way, but it maintains the feeling of the old place: intimately familiar, but it’s also a little more grown up.
Every change grows us in small ways.
It works in the way a stream’s steady rhythm cleaves and polishes rock, smoothing out the rough edges and taking away the impurities.
In the process, when there are the small changes, Le Petit Morte as they say, it may not look like anything. Slowly you step down a path—unaware, perhaps, there is any path at all. (That is the most dangerous, as you are not mindful of your step.) It is easy to continue in that way.
Unlike a rock, you have the agency to change that path; to extend the metaphor, you can angle yourself in the path of the stream to change in the ways that are best for you. And in that maneuvering, you can make the acquaintance of that more refined, polished person you are underneath.
“I am busy—trying to become the person I am.” — Philosopher Lena Dunham
I now step more carefully than I had before, but confident in the direction I am headed. And if you ever wish to meet with me for breakfast, I have a great place in mind.